I posted a new chapter to the story. Here is the link:
topic30572.html
This is one of my first pieces, so rate away, and correct my errors. The story was going to be called Ice Tear, no idea why though. I only had parts of it written down, so I am now putting it together. Also I apologize for the poor spacing, I can't figure out how to make it look proper.
Opposite of a Straight Path
Chantal (Wildest Temptations)
Chapter One
Emily
Kasey and I walked along my family’s private beach. I could tell that she was uncomfortable. As we walked, I saw tears streaming down her face. It made my heart fall to see her cry. I loved her greatly, and I never wanted what we had to end. I grabbed her hand gently, and pulled her towards me, her breasts pressing against mine. I looked into her ocean blue eyes, and gently wiped the tears off of her soft skin. “Kasey,” I spoke softly, “I know things haven’t been easy for us. But we have to face our families sooner or later. But I love you, okay?” I saw diminishing hope behind those tearing eyes.
“Emily,” I heard her whisper, “I want you to be more than just my friend, but our families won’t allow it.” With those words, I was heart broken; I knew that some of the kids at school suspected that Tristan and Kasey were dating, although they never hung out at school.
No one knew about my secret affair with Kasey. I know that we both had boyfriends in the past, just to keep the suspicions off. But the only time that I could really be myself was around Kasey, we talked about everything together. We were wither sharing our thoughts on which girls we thought were the cutest, or making out because we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. The fact was that being a lesbian in our community wasn’t exactly welcomed. We have never showed how we felt about each other in public.
As Kasey and I walked into her house, we saw our parents sitting on the couch together, waiting for them to come in the door. We quickly let go of each other’s hands, hoping no one noticed.
“Emily, Kasey.” Kasey’s grandfather said as he entered the room, “Please sit down, we have an important matter to discuss.”
We both did as they were told, and sat down side by side, trembling with fear. We both knew what we were about to be told, but hoped that it was just like get-together. I could tell that Kasey was scared, and I was scared of being separated from the one person in this world who knew the real me.
“We are well aware of what you two have been doing when you are together, and we would like it to stop. You are both the daughters of the wealthiest and most powerful families in Beverly Hills,” said Emily’s father sternly, “What would that say about us if you kept acting like this? We are willing to forget that you were up to no good while you were together if you start behaving like proper young ladies.”
“No,” I heard the quiet little voice of Kasey in my ear.
“We love each other, and if you can’t accept that, than fine.” I said, my voice shaking, “If we can’t do that here, than I am willing to leave Beverly Hills. What about you Kasey?” I could tell that my parents were astounded at what they had just heard me say, but what shocked them more was what came after that.
“I hate this rich shit anyway! Let’s get out of this dump.” I was also shocked at what I heard from Kasey. She had said it as she pulled all of my 140 pounds off of the couch, and dragged me out of the door.
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Edited on May 21, 08.
Anything Else need to be done so far??
That error was fixed. Right at the moment, I am hoping to get more of this finished, although I am flooded with homework. High School. Gotta love it. <-- Sarcasm!!
I liked it. it was different often same sex relationship stories are written from a gay perspective it was cool as I have family that are lesbian it was refreshing.
[quote]I loved her greatly, and I never wanted we had to ehat.
i think you meant to say end but whatever you meant to say it needs to be fixed.
Hey there.
Just thought I'd say, great job! 
There was a typo here...
I loved her greatly, and I never wanted ehat we had to end.
I grabbed her hand gently, and pulled her towards me,
Okay, I did edit it, and put the rest in first person, changed it from Prologue to Chapter One, and gave it a name :"Emily". The chapter name is "Emily" because thats who's point of view it is in. I think that the next chapter will from in Kasey's point of view. What does everyone think so far?
I really do appreciate all of your help, and I do want to improve my writing skills, although they are the best in my class. Haha. But I don't want to just be writing stories for school I want EVERYONE to read them, hence my coming onto YWS.
I think that this was actualy quite good. I don't care what everyone else says, i think this will make an excellent story. keep it up and keep ME posted!
Okay, great. I'll start from these reviews. Lots of fixing. Haha, post more later.
Hello!
First off, a Moderator's Note. Your first name and last was in the post, and it is incredebly unsafe to post either of those on the internet. I removed your last name, though I left your first. Please, keep yourself safe on the internet. People can find you. As a moderator, it is my job to protect you from creepies, but I can only do so much. Please do not give out your full name or contact info to anyone!!!!
[/end moderator's note]
On to the critique!
This beginning isn't the best. You are throwing us into the middle of the situation - good, except we 1) do not know what that conflict is 2) do not know who your characters are and 3) do not care about your characters. Beginnings are hard, and you should keep these topics in mind when you are writing your beginning. You need to have tension immediatly, or as soon as possible, or at least a hook. Just because they're lesbians doesn't mean your reader is going to be like "OMG I have to read this now!"Kasey and I walked along my family’s private beach. I could tell that she was uncomfortable. ...
That's a weird comment and I would cut it out altogether. The breast squishing, I mean.I grabbed her hand gently, and pulled her towards me, our breasts squishing together.
No E on "blond". (I do this too, French has an effect on my English.) More importantly though, I would say that you should remove this sentence entirely. It's all an info dump, which is HORRIBLE. Yes, I used caps. It's that bad. Here is an article that may help you: Avoiding Infodumps.She is a blond[s]e[/s] haired blue eyed girl, who the guys just drool over, and whom she has no interest in. I am a brown haired, brown eyed average girl.
Learn to properly punctuate your dialogue. It's important.“Kasey[comma]” I spoke softly[comma] “I know things haven’t been easy for us. But we have to face the elders sooner or later. I love you, okay?”
Try to evoke more emotion in me. Happiness is a really bland word.I saw happiness behind those teary eyes.
Here should be the start of a new paragraph. When someone new is speaking, it is a new paragraph. For example:“Emily,” I heard her whisper, “I want you to be more than just my friend, but the elders, especially my grandfather, won’t allow us to be anything more than that. ....
Here you are infodumping through dialogue. Dialogue is a great place to give new information, but don't overload the reader.“I want you to be more than just my friend, but the elders, especially my grandfather, won’t allow us to be anything more than that. I just know it. They think that I have fallen in love with Tristan, your brother, because of all the time that I have spent at your house. But I wasn’t with him and you know it, I was with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else except you. But I can’t help it if they start arranging a marriage for Tristan and I.”
Bad idea. Your first paragraph was in the first person, and this one starts out in third person. Bad, bad, bad idea to switch points of view. Choose a point of view, and stick to it.No one knew about the secret affair that was going on between Kasey and Emily.
I say that you should work a little more before posting.
Also, you have the first part in first person but the other
rest is in third.
It confused me.
Well, anyways, I couldn't really find any spelling errors
or else I'm just really super tired.
d:
I'll check this out later when I'm more awake though,
tood-a-loo!
i have to agree with "summerless" you need to work on your story just a little bit i like the idea of the story but like "summerless" said you need to keep it modern or talk more about the tribe but yes i do like your story so PLEASE keep me posted
Wow, this is pretty good for an hour's worth of work. A few things, though.
I think you should lose the whole tribe/princess/magical powers things. It makes the story weak and boring. There are a lot of stories out in the world about magical effects people have on/with nature. And the tribe and princess thing seems random. Unless you can come up with more details about the tribe stuff, I'd leave it out and keep the story as modern as possible.
A little bit of work is needed on dialogue and tagging. Also, try not to dump information about Kasey and Emily in the prologue in two sentences. Instead of saying how Kasey has blue eyes and blonde hair, why not gradually add that in as the story deepens? Telling the reader what Kasey and Emily look like weakens the story as well.
This isn't bad for a start. Still, it can get better, but this is one of the best starts I saw out of the writers of I my age. :]
Hope this helps and feel free to send a private message if you have questions <3
- Summerless
Okay, so I take it that this isn't the greatest story. But whatever, I can always right more. eh??
Just tell me what I can do to improve, and remember there is more coming. And keep in mind that it only took about one hour to right this, and it is rough as well.
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